dispatches from summerland

Posted by Jen

https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/what-can-i-say-except-youre-welcome-2026

I’ll be honest, minions: after all these years, I may still be slightly obsessed with Moana? The constant singing, the aggressive YOU'RE WELCOME-ing, the unrequited mooning over a cross-eyed rooster.

Yeah.

SLIGHTLY.

So check this out:

Brandy ordered this Moana cake for her 9-year old, and I think we can all agree it was a wise move. Not only because MOANA, but because it's a printed edible image. That means no guesswork! No drawing! No instructions to fowl up! (HEY HEY ROOSTER SHOUT-OUT)

And yet, as it turns out,

Every turn we take
Every trail we track
Every ordered cake
Every road leads back
to a place we know:

Specifically, the place where a baker insists this is exactly what you ordered and you should totally pay for it.

My thoughts exactly.

 

Thanks to Brandy L. for providing all the wreckage that's fit to print.

*****

P.S. See the line where the sky meets the sea? IT'S THIS CUTE WHALE DISH:

Whale Ceramic Butter Dish

D'awww. It calls me.
::singing:: And no one knooo-ows, how far it bloooo-ows.

Eh?

******

And from my other blog, Epbot:

https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/what-can-i-say-except-youre-welcome-2026

Posted by Jen

https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/unusual-names-now-with-more-porn-2026

You know what’s better than unusual names? NOTHING!

And here are some of the names on my list:

Gus:

 

Ellen & Philip:

 

Georgia:

Try not to call your friend Georgia "Gorgia" from now on. JUST TRY.

 

Dallas:

Way to OWN that line spacing, baker.

 

Sophie & Reilly:

Oh, the irony. It's a two-fer!

 

???

Is this a real name? Please let this be a real name. If only so I can imagine someone saying, "Well, I should head over to the preschool to pick up my Porn."

Or, "Would you ask the babysitter to watch Porn for me?"

Or, "Hey, Mom, I posted pictures of Porn on your Facebook page!"

Or, "Thanks to Porn, I haven't slept in a week and my house is full of stinky diapers."

[gigglesnort] Yep, it's official: someone needs to at least name their dog/cat Porn, STAT.

***

Um, so I had more cakes to post, but I seem to have completely derailed myself with the Porn thing.
(Bet all you cubicle workers know what I mean, EH? Heyoooo!)

So here, let's just go out with a bang:
(Or did we do that already?? [Ok, Ok, I'll stop.])

I guess the lawyers insisted.

(And I can't even tell you what they renamed Piglet.)

 

Thanks to Andi V., Amadie H., Bryar, Jennifer A., Mark B., Rich G., Holly S., & Rachel F. for helping make today's post especially classy. (POOP AND PORN 4EVA!!!)

*****

P.S. Here's a (hilarious) reminder that English is almost as confusing as these cakes:

P Is for Pterodactyl: The Worst Alphabet Book Ever

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/unusual-names-now-with-more-porn-2026

Posted by Jen

https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/someday-well-find-it-and-press-charges-2026

First there was the Rainbow Erection:

 

Then there was the Rainbow Ejection:

 

And now, presumably a good 30 minutes later, our nation's bakeries give us this:

The Marshmallow-Topped Drippy Rainbow Wang... Confection

(AND IT STILL RHYMES!)

 

Thanks to Myra D., Aimie T., & Diana W. for making us wonder just how long bakers can keep this up.

*****

https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/someday-well-find-it-and-press-charges-2026

Posted by Jen

https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/im-irish-but-dont-you-dare-kiss-me-2026

It's nice to see bakeries really getting into the St. Patrick's Day spirit this week:

By which I mean they've clearly been drinking.

This is one week I'd actually kind of love to work in these bakeries. I wouldn't be drinking, though; I'd just be egging on all the drunk bakers.

I'd be all, "Hey, guys, you know what we need? JEWISH LEPRECHAUNS."

And they'd be all, "OMG JEN YOU ARE SO SMART AND PRETTY BUT MOSTLY SMART."

Sha-POW!

 

Then I'd hold relay races where all the drunk bakers have to ice a cake with their elbows and pipe on the side swags with their teeth:

Ker-PLOOIE!

 

Next I'd get them all to do that thing where someone stands behind you and and you pretend their arms are your arms and play icing Pictionary:

Bam! Zap! Ni!

 

And finally, I'd just be overly enthusiastic about everything they made, no matter HOW terrible, kind of like your favorite aunt acted when you were four:

[shrieking] THIS IS THE BEST SHAMROCK CAKE I HAVE EVER SEEN. Who wants more beer?

 

[gasp] Did you use the airbrush? WAY TO GO, YOU! And did you cut out that paper pot of gold yourself? You DID?! Well, now, who's a big boy? WHO IS IT?!

 

I have never wanted to kiss a red UFO more.

 

Yep, I'm telling you, guys, that would be a HOOT. 

Now, y'all have fun today, and be safe, and remember:

Easter wrecks are next.

 

Thanks to Tamara H., Dan B., Lindsay B., Timothy E., Dara M., Courtney L., Jessica D., & Amanda M., for the sobering selections. ;)

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/im-irish-but-dont-you-dare-kiss-me-2026